“Shit,” i exclaim. I hate the taste of this toothpaste. But it was the cheapest brand out there and on my shoestring budget, it was all i could afford. Then again, i have never been quite able to stand the taste of a lot of toothpaste on a brush, so i tend to use it sparingly.
The cool water runs to a warm temperature as i brush my teeth. The sounds of the water lull me into a dream and my mind wanders back into a time where life was simpler, like the one the author of this book describes with her life with Rayne. I dream about what it would be like to be there and living that life, a peaceful one, where i can dedicate myself to my personal pursuits and interests, while giving me all the time to learn about this new path i stumbled into. I’m not even sure what i believe yet. It all seems so strange and i seem to be wandering down something that may or may not be my true beliefs.
Face now washed, bright shiny teeth and a clean breath, i go back into the room and switch into some sweats to sleep. Maybe tonight i will not have the nightmare. Maybe this once I may have a new dream, or some guidance towards this new life and what i am supposed to do with it. Maybe, just maybe, i can dream an answer to how my nightmare dream of abandonment intertwines with this Book of Shadows. Yes, i think i would like that a lot.
I stand in front of a rocky cave. The sun shines outside and there are a few oddly shaped clouds in the sky. I say oddly shaped because one of them appears as a star and another one as a dog, that is howling at the star. Nearby there is a moon. This strikes me as odd because dogs, especially wild ones howl at the moon, not at stars.
“Weird,” i mutter to myself and then i continue to look around me. I seem to be nestled in a forest.
About fifty yards out from where i face, a cliff overhangs, displaying a gorgeous view of a path worked valley beneath me, and a stream, probably more like a river but from this angle appearing much smaller, runs through it to the right. I cannot tell which direction is which. Even with the sun above me. If this place really does exist, then i have never been there. I wander around for a bit, touching the trees, smelling a few flowers that blossom underneath the trees, and listen to the wind rustle. Occasionally i hear the cry of a hawk or an eagle. But when i lift my head back to the sky to identify where the sound comes from, there is nothing. Except for those clouds. And what appears stranger is that they are not moving. I must have been standing here for about 20 minutes and they continue to sit in the same spot. Despite all the wind i hear, and the passage of time, for the sun has moved a bit across the sky.
“Weird,” I say again, quite obvious that no one can hear me.
I playfully ponder the idea of selecting a spot on the ground, where the grass does grow a bit and sit and watch the clouds. See how long it may take them to move, if they do in fact move at all. But then i decide that may get a bit boring. After all, this is my dream.
My dream, i think to myself. But wait. i am still asleep, am i not? Um, how in the world can i be recalling and remembering my dream at the same time i am living it.
I get a bit nervous but figure that this is just another step in learning majick. So i try and calm myself down by grounding my energy into the ground as the Book of Shadows recommends and decide that I probably need to venture into the cave. As that seems to be my only option left. Besides jumping off the cliff, and i really do not want to do that.
I walk back over to the cave. The left side of the rock has moss and grass and ivy growing in and over it. The sun seems to beat down more on this side than it does the other side. The other side is cool to the touch and while there is some lichen and moss growing over it, it feels rather rough, the way mountain rock feels. The air smells clean and cool coming from inside the cave. I do smell a hint of earthiness in there but it is nothing that is to damp or antique. I peer inside and can see about ten feet before the darkness envelops the cave’s insides.
I place my right hand along the rock, allowing it to guide me as i carefully stretch my feet out before me so that i may not trip over any other rocks or tree branches or roots growing along side the path. To my surprise i feel nothing. Even the side of the rock becomes smoother as i go deeper into the cave. I also feel as if i am on flat ground, the cave does not seem to slope down or wander into an incline. It becomes very dark, but i am not afraid. There seems to be no hint or element of horribleness awaiting my final destination, wherever that may be.
“‘I wish i had a light with me. Either fire or a flashlight,” i call out in the darkness.
All of a sudden, a light begins to grow. Small and dim and focused at a point at first, but then grows larger and fuzzier and it seems to hover near me. I stop moving and the light remains positioned where it is. When i take a step backwards, it approaches me and then stops when i stop. When i take a step forward, it moves away from me and stops. I presume, that this thing was of my creation or sent here to guide me into the dark. I let go of the smooth wall and walk forward, the strange blue-white light highlighting the obstacles in my way for me.
Time progresses, or so i think. How does one tell if time moves forward when they are in a cave? Or in a dream for that matter? I wonder if there is any way i can dream myself out of this and into something more linear. Perhaps a futuristic dream where i graduated received my research job with the University’s archeological department and am now enjoying some time off and relaxing on a beach on the island of Kauai.
“Now why on Earth would you want to dream something that boring?” a masculine voice teases me from the dark.
I jump back a bit, not being able to see what it is around me. Maybe this was not such a good idea to have wandered into this cave in the first place. Or into this dream. Perhaps this dream is another nightmare, an extension of that other one.
“Do not be afraid little one,” the voice calls out. “Just give me a moment and i will show myself to you. Now where did I? Oh yes, here it is.” The voice trails off and suddenly a great fire erupts from the wall across from me. The blue-white light still hovers, however it wanders over to a rock that sits like a chair a foot or two from the fiery hearth. Materializing from the air, a figure appears. He sits cross-legged on the rock. His clothing, if you can call it clothing, hangs from his body like loose skin. He wears a hat shaped like a mushroom colored greenish and brown, wears round, wooden glasses (no glass appears to be seated inside the frames) and has a bit of a scruffy beard and whiskers on his face and chin. The color of his clothing matches his mushroom hat, and some strings dangle like fringe from his shirt. But the strings do not appear as strings but rather limp tree branches or hair. His feet are bigger than normal and are bare. I can see calluses on the bottoms of his feet from where years of walking have given him a built-in shoe soles.
Seeing the blue-white light dance before him, he stretches out an arm to call it into his palm. The light hovers into his hand then winks out. It does not disappear as it appeared but winks. I gasp and watch this scene in wild curiosity.
He smiles at me and purses his lips and says, “Hello Kendra. I have been waiting for you. Thanks for finding your way here. For a second i was afraid that you had gotten lost.”
“Um, hello,” I say. “I do not, um, remember creating you and i know you definitely do not exist anywhere in my reality.”
“Ah, this is good. You recognize this as a dream. Yes, that is progress,” the stranger’s smile deepens.
“Excuse me, just what do you mean by that and do i not get the privilege of knowing your name?” I wave at him, slightly annoyed with these games. Where is this dream going?
“Oh sorry, i guess you have not realized my name or my purpose yet. Well there is always something new to learn.” He pauses. Stands and bows. “Let me introduce myself, my dearest Kendra. I am called Loki. Actually, you summoned me. You asked for help, and well, here i am. Of course this is the easiest way my kind can chat with your kind. So i guess we should begin.”
He sits back down on the stone. His eyes gaze deep into mine. They seem to taunt me, tease me. My face turns bright red. And i am unable to speak.
“Um, er,” is all i manage to get out as my mind spins for rationality, grasping for something somewhat intelligible to say to him. So many questions flutter through my head but i just cannot seem to get the words spoken. All the while Loki sits on his rock, his elbows resting on his knees and his fingers rolled into fists, his head resting on them.
“This silence is mighty fine for meditation but it is not going to get us anywhere very fast. I guess you might want me to begin?” Loki suggests.
I sit down over by the fire and gaze into it. “I guess i am unsure where to begin, or what all this is going to accomplish?”
“Hmmm… i see. You are scared and curious. But more or less confused about where all this can take you, am i correct?”
“Yes. I mean this seems so fast and so weird and i am not sure i totally believe or want to believe in all this yet. And yes it seems so whirlwind confusing.”
Loki hops down from his perch and spin-sits next to me. “I hear you. But you know, like the beginning of anything new there is a bit of doubt and confusion mixed into the excitement. Have you ever fallen in love?”
I nod.
“Well having faith in something like this and as consciously changing in this is like falling in love. You meet that one person and get this feeling, you know that they are the one. Where every word that is said, every action and every touch and hug that guy does to you screams something special. But at the same time your brain begins to scream things like it is too soon, what if this is all a plot, etcetera. You dig?”
Again i nod. I have had this happen to me many times over. Just when i think i have found Mr. Right something inside me pushes them away and i leave, not willing to risk it all when i know very well that it will all end in tears.
Loki continues, “Well, once you discover that the world is larger than yourself and that it contains things in it that you may never have considered before this event can appear very much in the same way that you view a new and whirlwind love. Either you can accept it and fall off the cliff, learning and exploring the possibility that this is the right path for you or you can reject it and move on when something else becomes right for you. Obviously, you are curious enough to know how this can help you out and how this book you found is thrown into what you are and dream. Therefore i would have to say that you have decided to chase me down this rabbit hole and see where it leads you.”
I smirk at the thought of Loki using my childhood favorite like that against me. When i was little i was always peering into smallish holes hoping that the white rabbit may one day take me away from my world and toss me into something more interesting and exciting. Somewhere that contained magic and dreams and possibilities. Somewhere along the way, in growing up, i had forgotten all of that. It was nice to see my mind digging up that happy past.
“Then why are you having such a hard time believing in that this all exists?” Loki questions.
I turn to face Loki, for the first time. “I dunno. I am not sure that this is for me. Maybe even thought i want to believe in majick and that dreams and things in my life have the power to be changed, a bit of me says that i do not have the time for this and that i should focus on my studies, get a good and stable job and get married. You know, mate spawn and die?”
“Ah i see. You are afraid at what the connection may hold for you. I take it you have never felt totally connected to your surroundings and to your family. You have felt different, for as long as you could remember, right?”
Again i nod. Loki seems to be going a good job of illuminating the things that create the confusion and discord in my mind. And i am tempted just to lay it out for me.
“Do you know why i am here? Or who i am?” Loki teases me. I am sure he can read my mind at this point. Which is no fair because i really do not how to answer him at this point.
“Um, well, i presume you are from something i must have read in the past. And you told me when you introduced yourself to me that you were here to help and guide me.” I lamely reply.
Now it is his turn to nod.
I close my eyes and try and dig deeper, “Let me see here. If i remember correctly. Loki is the Norse trickster god. Sorta of a foolish one who follows his gut and does not really rationalize things. Am i correct?”
At the sound of this Loki stands up, fear swells inside me as i think i may have offended him. Fear turns to relief when he rears his head back and laughs loud. “Very good. I accept that description. So, shall we continue on with this thing before our time runs out?”
“Okay, i suppose. You mean there is more to this than just chatting?”
“Um, yeah. I need to help you continue learning as well. After all, what is a guardian and spirit guide and a good and powerful one at that if i do not help you on this path. So tell me, what have you been doing with this?”
“What do you mean doing? You mean reading and talking, right?”
“Well, sort of. But no. Majick and energy work and spells and stuff takes work. This is not like what you normally consider a religious practice. It is much more than that. Some people think that this is much more than cookie cutter religions; this is part of their life. It is their perception of how they see the world and how they define themselves in their world, as they want to create it. So tell me, what things have you been doing to get your energy and focus grows stronger. What have you been reading and applying to what you already know?”
“Well,” I start sheepishly.” For the most part all i have been doing is reading that book i found. And talking to Sam and her friend Donovan. Whom i just met today. So i guess in all actuality, nothing. I do not know where to start or if this is the right thing for me to do.”
“Hmm. i see. That is quite a dilemma you have there. Tell me, do you listen to your mind or your intuition when you act upon things of great importance to you? When you took the book from the library, i know you were not thinking with your mind. No, that was intuition telling you that you needed to have the book, that it contained something you needed to learn from. How is learning majick any different than making a simple decision like that? When you feel the surge and excitement and open yourself and your feelings and intuition to the world around you that is when you can make real changes happen to yourself and your life. But you have to be open to the possibility that anything can happen and it usually does. Do not limit yourself or the ways you can think or imagine things can change. You only hurt yourself when you do place limitations on yourself. Doubting yourself is when you start thinking that what you are doing and how you are doing is wrong. When you take an active part in making things change around you, performing majick, the only thing you really need to know is that what you do and how you feel about it, if you feel when doing it, is all that matters to make change. By limiting yourself and allowing doubt and fear to enter your mind and body, you take away all the possibilities of things you can be capable of doing in your life. This limits the quality and amount of energy you have available to dump into getting those particular changes to manifest. The more you believe and the more energy you place into the desire of wanting that thing or change to happen the better your odds are at getting it. In other words, stop limiting yourself and start living and using these tools that the book and your friends are teaching you. Ask questions. Question everything. Keep what makes sense to you and what seems right to you and get rid of those things you don’t seem to like. Experiment, learn what you can and above all have fun with what gifts the universe has given to you.”
After he speaks, Loki sits besides me. Silent. Pondering. Then he leans over and bumps me. This totally childish action makes me laugh. He smiles once more and gets to his feet. I stay seated and stare up at him. The warmth of the fire, which is still going, lulls me and i feel safe and secure sitting near it. Loki is spinning himself silly, while patting himself down.
“Lose something,” I joke.
“No, actually the opposite. I am looking for something. I know i have it somewhere. But it is not in it’s usual spot. Ah, here it is.” He stops spinning and when he faces me again he is holding a wooden pipe. It appears rather simple, but when he flashes it in the light i can see that it is a double pipe, connected by a single mouthpiece. Around the mouthpiece hung a long cord or string allowing him to dangle it around his neck or maybe attach it to his belt. No markings were on the pipe, but on the backside i was able to catch a glimpse of a single marking. It was a familiar southwestern design of the Native American Indian icon known as Kokopelli, the flute-playing god. In a way it was weird to see the Norseman carrying a symbol of another ancient culture on his person; but it also seemed very fitting.
Loki cleared his throat rather dramatically and inhaled a deep breath. I watch with sudden anticipation and curiosity as to where this is going to take me next. He starts playing the pipes and the most beautiful song starts coming from it. I do not know where it comes from, as I have never heard it before. I close my eyes and watch colors and visions dance before my eyes. The song is hauntingly happy and sad and very anthemic all at once. It reaches deep into my soul and invokes deep emotions within me that i had not felt in a long time.
When i open my eyes i am shocked to find that i have been dancing around the fire which is no longer built into the cave wall. The fire is now in the middle of the room and Loki stands on the other side bent over like a hippie-style Kokopelli. The music continues to pour out of his pipes and i find myself dancing more and more. As if i am a marionette attached to some strings. I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and peace enter my body and the air around me crackles with the spark of life and majickal energy. I feel apart of the earth and the air and the fire and as i dance more and faster i notice my actions start mimicking the flames in the blaze. I feel more alive than i ever did and this awareness and puppet like effect holding over me does not scare me. It only makes me thrive and want more of it.
Loki starts to sway and step behind him. He begins to walk backwards towards the cave entrance. Taking the music with him. My body feels this pulling and luring away of the music and like a junkie i weave and dance towards him. We continue this strange walk and dance back up the path, which is now lighter than it was when i first arrived into the cave, back out into the sunset sky. The air has become moist with the evening dew and the clouds have now moved from their once fixed position and have now dissipated into the ground. The stars begin to sparkle and shine brightly as the air of music filters its way up towards them. I imagine that they dance the same way i do bringing their twinkling light with them to me.
We continue wandering in and out and around the trees, the music growing and fading and spinning me into dance forms that i have never imagined myself doing. I do not notice where we are going until it is too late, the sound of rushing water fills the gaps between the where the music dims. Loki has been leading me to the cliff this whole time. Panic fills my steps and i waver, trying to break the grip of dancing that has me held. But the music has me firmly in its grasp. Loki disappears, but the music continues. I whip my head around madly to see where he has gone but he is nowhere in my sight.
From out of the mist i hear his voice, deep and softly say, “Trust your self. Know that you are always safe when you walk along the path. Sometimes the first step in believing is that leap of faith off the cliff. Jump now and see where you land.”
Suddenly, the ground is no longer beneath my feet. I am in the air, falling from the cliff.
The valley floor appears a long ways down. It is as if the cliff before and the way it is now are two separate things and while i was in the cave the space between here and down there grew a few miles deeper. My arms open wide out to my sides, ready to embrace what fate has in store for me as i fall. The air rushes against me, cool but warm. I am falling but it is more of a welcome flight than a straight plummeting to my death. Panic no longer fills my body; instead i feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins as my heartbeat increases with the fall. The moon, appearing high above me appears shrouded in a thin veil of fog. It looks yellow and there is an one inch fuzzy halo surrounding it. The moon’s light casts an eerie glow over the entire valley below.
I can see fog beginning to blanket the patchwork fields. A feeling of calm and peace and love and total understanding fills me as i imagine myself gliding through the air like an eagle swooping down upon the earth. Everything is in beauty. Everything is as it is. And i feel so lucky to be a part of it. I rear back my head and call out a war cry of laughter. The land comes closer as the fall grows longer and longer with each second. It seems as if this free fall lasts forever. I hope that i never reach the ground; i could fly and fall like this forever. The ground keeps coming up and it rushes upon me faster now. I am certain i will slam into it. Thoughts spiral through my head, between what occurred with Loki, that book and the new path i seem to have started down. My fears begin to resurface as i realize once again that hitting the ground is now a distinct possibility. I am going to die, i think to myself.
But i do not. I do not smash into the ground like i first thought. Instead i wake up, safely back in my studio. The first rays of sunlight enter through the curtains, casting strange shadows across the bed. Mosi’s fur seems translucent, as she remains curled up by my side. I sit up, my breath coming in long drawn out gasps. That seemed so real. i felt the fire, i felt the falling. I close my eyes and make a mental drawing and writing entry in my mind of all that just happened, as I do not want to lose any of it. The sunlight peeking through the windows, creep onto the bed and along my face, filling me with a good morning warm kiss.
I open my eyes again. Everything seems to glow with an unusual intensity that i never quite saw before. From where i am, colors are more vivid, the wood in the furniture seems more alive, and the air seems to swirl with a life of its own.
“Is this what they mean by seeing the energy of life?” I wonder, now realizing that what Sam and Donovan and Loki were telling me was absolutely real and that it was becoming a part of me.
The time on the clock read half past 6 a.m. which makes sense seeing that in the fall the sun wakes up later. I contemplate rushing over to the phone and calling both Sam and Donovan to tell them all about the dream. I am just too excited and i cannot wait any longer to at least tell someone about the dream. The energy inside my body swirls and my childish giggle gets the better of me. I leap from the bed, causing Mosi to wake up and dart off it as well, and scurry over to the phone and my pants that are laying on the floor. I find Donovan’s number, as i feel the need to call him first.
